🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I identify as an antique shop.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once