A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, “Your technique is flawless.”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn]
ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)