If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!
ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.
ANTS: The what now?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“You go first.”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me