My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.