A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
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How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.