My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Nothing to do, you say?