my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
We need more people like this.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org