[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship