[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did