If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead