@pilau

My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday

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@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Talk dirty to me

Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early

M: God yes

H: I won’t set an alarm

M: Don’t stop!

@PaperWash

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

@mommajessiec

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

@darrinfb

Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.

@AndrewNadeau0

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

@karlainvt

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing