(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
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the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
From Facebook just now…
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”