My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Bloody internet 😳
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
こいつ天才
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.