my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.