“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”
So I put them in a vase of water.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren’t those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?
Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right
I’m going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It’s called “Jehovah’s Fitness”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
me: so i was watching mindhunter
me: they said serial killers are mean to animals
me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs
911: that’s not rea-
me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there
911: sir i need to end thi-
me: he said it TO HIS FACE
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep