@SaeedDiCaprio

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

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@frankzulla

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

@DanMentos

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

@merewillis

My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.

#LastLaugh

@daddydoubts

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

@agathagotstoned

What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren’t those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?

@paulrobalino

Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right

@TastyTuneTweets

I’m going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It’s called “Jehovah’s Fitness”

@envydatropic

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

@tweetsbyrocket

me: so i was watching mindhunter

911: right

me: they said serial killers are mean to animals

911: k

me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs

911: that’s not rea-

me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there

911: sir i need to end thi-

me: he said it TO HIS FACE

@alexlumaga

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep