my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad


shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo


My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.



Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.


What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren’t those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?


Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right


I’m going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It’s called “Jehovah’s Fitness”


Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship


me: so i was watching mindhunter

911: right

me: they said serial killers are mean to animals

911: k

me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs

911: that’s not rea-

me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there

911: sir i need to end thi-

me: he said it TO HIS FACE


Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep