My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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when someone compliments me
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Dear kangaroos, what鈥檚 stopping you from looking like this?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Parenting is cheering on your kid鈥檚 winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 馃槈
her: are those empty
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
If I鈥檓 suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it鈥檚 only because I want what you鈥檙e eating.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda