Ok let’s discuss the important questions
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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The stickier the better.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My ex’s ex and my left hand are dating.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: he’s cute, how old is he?
Guy: 25 months
Me: first kid?
Guy: yeah, how’d you know?
Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took