My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing


Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting


People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer


Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”


On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.


I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it


Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took