@Thedudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

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@daemonic3

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

@OkigboHTX

Before you and ya girl get married, ask her if she would leave you for Michael B. Jordan. If she says “no”, drop her cause ain’t no point in building a marriage based on lies

@littlekitnerboy

Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don’t see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.

@joshgondelman

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] youโ€™re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

@DaddyJew

Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife

@just1fool

“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally

@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@Papa_Mex

8:00am on a Saturday morning and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.

Now he looks really funny covered in paint balls

@Sassafrantz

Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?