@Thedudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

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@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

@DaddyBeerGuy

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

@TheMichaelRock

Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”

@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@mattytalks

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

@KKAlThani

Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took