My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?