@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

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@LeciJ_

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

@dixie_dupree

Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart

@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

@MadcapsTPS

They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.

@chudneyspears

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

@HoneyWooWoo

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@HousewifeOfHell

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

@hazelmotes1

It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.