I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Breaking news:
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.