@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

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@Home_Halfway

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

@dannyboy7813

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

@mommajessiec

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

@Bandersnaaatch

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

@GrandadJFreeman

Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

@jergarl

I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.

@fro_vo

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying