@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

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@rebrafsim

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

@hippieswordfish

ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
911: where
M: between 2 trees in our yard
911:a hammock?
M: idk what his name is just send help

@IncredibleCulk

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

@OneLastStranger

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

@underrateDad

83% of parenting is repeating the same set of instructions over and over using a different kid’s name.

@VallyOfTheLilly

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

@TheToddWilliams

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

@ozzyunc

Adding a few Barbie limbs to the dead bugs in a porchlight is a fun way to tell guests they should’ve left before dark.