My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now


Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..


My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.

Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”


ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes


Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.


Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up


They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.


A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”


COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.