the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
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Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..
Every time my son shuts his bathroom door, I assume he’s ’debating
My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.
Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.