My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.