My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Jogging
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
bro what is going on at twitter
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid