My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…