@jumpdashark

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

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@WICKEDTRUTH01

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

@Parkerlawyer

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

@hellolanemoore

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@Henry_3000

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

@MsSweetTeaz

Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day

@MavenofHonor

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

@ReelQuinn

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

@clemdytan

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

@Jake_Vig

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”