My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

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*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *


My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.


me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr


Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?


I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.


Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day


Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away


Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion


I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!


ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”