Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days