My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I found your tweet-up…
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born