My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you