One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Geez man, take it easy.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Livid.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
love it when they get my name right
I missed you with all my darts
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day