My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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Chicago sounds lovely.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer