@david8hughes

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

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@dorsalstream

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

@Samzen_

World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@SteveKoehler22

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

@zephyrs0phie

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

@iGreenMonk

My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?

@humanaaron

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:9:”SCBamaMan”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3664939858/aebdc51cccec378baf7466d1a3ee10fb_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347903923488690180″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”65″;s:5:”tweet”;s:101:”*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@BuckyIsotope

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

@Rae_volution

If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”