I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.
But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.
So, who’s stupid now?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head
*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*
“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”
*slams hands down*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”