My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
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If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
🏙👨🏼
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’m about to risk it all
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”