My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I need a headline like this
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Happy thanksgiving!