Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
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i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers