@Social_Mime

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

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@Ehmee

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

@VerbsRProudest

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

@GinRumMe

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@murrman5

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

@Gupton68

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

@Jenny4ashley

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

@leechee420

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

@xLiserx

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

@thestlouisan

-Crowded Restaurant-
Me: Table for four, please.
[seated]
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…