@Social_Mime: My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there's a 100% chance I'll be there and then I don't show up.
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@TimJohnish: I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
@IvoryGazelle: God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate? God: lol no no no, the hair on their head Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
@JKickinit30: Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.
@ItsAndyRyan: Doctor: "Why is my waiting room empty?" Judge: "I hauled everyone off to court" Doctor: "You're trying my patients"