My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan