My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way