G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again