@djdarrellripley

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

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@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@daemonic3

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

@Busocco

I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@trojansauce

[watching the little mermaid]
NEPHEW: mermaids arent real
SISTER: not in front of your uncle-
ME *slamming down my beer* I KNOW WHAT I SEEN

@fro_vo

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

@QwertyJones3

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

@funflaps

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

@Allison_Tolman

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.