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@jctwritesstuff

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

@Dawn_M_

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

@Cheeseboy22

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

@AndyAsAdjective

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

@SteveSuckington

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

@garrettbarry70

Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”

Me. “Yep”

Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”

Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”

@hotsoccerchic69

my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer

@NYC_Blonde

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

@MondayPajamas

Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.