Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.
-A week later at the dr’s office-
Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?
Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I darkened my hair and now people expect me to be smart too. It’s exhausting. Send bleach.
[At the Grand Canyon]
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
GC: Let’s just be friends
I need ten thousand dollars in unmarked avocados.
There were going to be guns but this was funnier
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly