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@XplodingUnicorn

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

@princess_snide

Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.

-A week later at the dr’s office-

Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?

Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.

@skittle624

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

@Bandersnaaatch

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@kwirkyKerri

I darkened my hair and now people expect me to be smart too. It’s exhausting. Send bleach.

@007Pepe_Rex

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

@JohnLyonTweets

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

@KevinFarzad

When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly