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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.


Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?


Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.


Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.


How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?


Wife. “Did you cut the grass?”

Me. “Yep”

Wife. “But it doesn’t look any different!”

Me. “I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out”


my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer


Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?


Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.