Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
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WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
How to break up with someone:
You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out