@faizziy

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

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@johnbiehl

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

@ArfMeasures

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

@ArfMeasures

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

@KalvinMacleod

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

@RelatableQuote

How to break up with someone:

You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
You: ME.
You: BYEEEE

@Cyd10e

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

@anniemalistics

Me: Look, I don’t mind if you watch me shower, but my husband’s probably gonna kill you if he catches you.
Spider:

@Shen_the_Bird

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out