My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
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My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
No. He’s not coming out to play
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy