@Storminika

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

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@TheDreamGhoul

“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*

@chuuew

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

@murrman5

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

@ReneeHooray

Playboy’s decision to keep models clothed comes weeks after McDonald’s decision to serve breakfast all day.

@Hormonella

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

@all_dredd

her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal

[later at dinner]

her: why are you doing this?

me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??

@itsBOMBARDIER

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

@PoodleSnarf

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

@karanbirtinna

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??