@Storminika: My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he's no good in bed anyway.
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@MarfSalvador: teacher: your son was caught smoking pot me: did he say where he got it? teacher: yes, his best friend me: [tearing up] he really said that?
@imdaintyaf: I'm sorry I punched you in the face when you said "I love you". Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
@nonchalantnacho: The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
@CastAwayKristen: "Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again" Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.