My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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lmao
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Found a free bandaid at the pool.