My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.