@slaughthie

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

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@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@Hurly_Burly

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

@themiltron

her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids

@Fab_Mommy_

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

@OctopusCavemann

St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven

Me: Wow! An open bar!

St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink

Me: *slips him a fake ID*

St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

@garbagecoven

*voluntarily spends hours on the internet daily* neato

*friend sends 5-min video to watch* do i look like im made of free time or something

@Tylerosis

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

@briangaar

I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8