My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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