@CornOnTheGoblin

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

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@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@sophielou

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

@fro_vo

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

@volks__

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

@LauraFred

You know what’s fucked? As people keep going out and acting like covid isn’t a big deal, my nurse friends and I (in our 20s) are contemplating whether it’s time to get our wills drawn up. Because we know not all of us will make it. Hope you had fun at the beach, Karen.

@BethStelling

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.