my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this