my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course


[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*


If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.


OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
O: Yes
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*


Me: I said no cookies!
4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia!
Me: How’d you get amnesia?
4yo: I don’t remember.
Me: Well played..


“Are you sexually active?”
[Flashback to that one time I sat in a chair a girl was just sitting in and it still felt warm.]


Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.


*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car