My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway