Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
dutch so unserious
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!