My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*