Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.