My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
What a website
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.