Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.