My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Stonehinge
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.