@savvystrider

My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

@patsajak

I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity

@jwalkonthemoon

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

@eff_yeah_steph

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

@SpenceDen

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

@KKAlThani

Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.

@ThatRascalPuff

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

@adam_bloomquist

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

@JediGigi

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?