My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

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Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph



You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…


Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”


If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.


Things I use my car for, from most to least:

1)Tweeting while parked
3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy


I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.


centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop


It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”