My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

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Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.



Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.


Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube


Why are they called library fines and not hush money?


Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.


so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*


Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.


Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW