@savvystrider

My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

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@moose_chocolate

Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.

#bt140

@_salt_n_lime

Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.

@IvoryGazelle

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

@Tups13

Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

@sammyrhodes

Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.

@ellewasamistake

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

@Super70sSports

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

@meganamram

Fun fact: Peanut butter also sticks to the roof of your ex-husband’s BMW