@savvystrider

My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

@TrueDee

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

@WilliamRodgers

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

@nottheworstmom

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

@SaraMansford

Things I use my car for, from most to least:

1)Tweeting while parked
2)Snacking
3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy
4)Driving

@kimtopher22

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

@EvilHeart20

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

@shegotagronk

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”