My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
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This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Ion see the issue
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.