My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?