My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Seems kinda suspicious
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces